STEW’S
SPECS SPARK SOGGY STALEMATE
Castlethorpe v Wolverton, Sunday 5th June
Much boundary fielding to be done with occasional elements of gusto. Woke up from a casual snooze on the boundary to snag a catch off one of his bro’s full tosses. Engaged in lively discussion with oppo at start of their innings regarding the early run out. On a ground where he made 97 last season, made exactly 96 less today, bowled early on. Came out to umpire late on in steady rain getting Jonesy’s nice hoody sweater very wet. Dampness quotient: 62%
Steady opening spell when they were going well, and eventually broke the opening partnership courtesy of a top-edge to the keeper. Was taken off at drinks break, but persuaded the skip to keep him on for an extra over, which only lost him more fantasy points. Struggled with bar of soap at end with a great beamer which got tonked for six. Came out to open and smashed it, including one six that thumped into their clock thanks to deflection from Mister Tate, who was trying to protect Tango’s girlfriend. What a gent. Blatted another before departing clean bowled. Dampness quotient: 28%
Also spent a lot of his time on the large legside boundary fetching the ball here and there, but had so much ground to cover it was usually going to be two. No catches came near. Looked in good touch with the bat and had settled into a partnership with Dingers. Hit a straight four and then dobbed a caught and bowled back. Dampness quotient: 24%
Decent opening spell but couldn’t find the edge at all. Nearly took a catch in Jimbo’s first over, hurting his knee. Ran their opener out by at least two yards with a bullet throw but their umpire must have had his eyes shut. That was the polite reason we came up with. Refused to bowl a second spell with a sponge for a ball. Had the benefit of a ‘generous’ not out call from umpire Lee when on nought, then his first two scoring shots were sixes, the second one a ‘hooooge’ smash that knocked a slate off their pavilion roof (one about three from the top as well). Eventually went for 20 when poised to rattle us up to a big score. Umpired at the end in pouring rain but had the honour of triggered Taters for his fifth successive lbw of the season. Dampness quotient: 75%
It was all part of his strategy to lose the toss and bowl first anyway. Jiggled the field and the bowlers around as much as he could, when there were few arms up to bowl with a wet ball. Ended up bowling himself and bowled at the death, going for 38 off 4. Not helped by geriatric keeper who missed a stumping in the 39th over. Strode out to b at purposefully, still thinking we could win, knowing he had a ‘Plan B’ (aka timewasting) up his sleeve. Blatted a big six onto the bowling green but perished for 24. Was verbally abused by the oppo when he rightly insisted we hadn’t forfeited the match by walking when it was throwing it down with rain. Avoided umpiring stints in the rain or even going out and trying to influence when we came of, preferring to stay dry. Dampness quotient: 15%
Pick of the bowlers and the most wickets with 2-58. Beat the bat early on but as the rain set in found it harder to swing the thing. Clean bowled one with a Yorker in the final over, then provided the Champagne Moment of the day clean bowling their errant ‘umpire’ with a fast full toss. Avoided the hat-trick cleverly with a wide. Up the order to number 6 and looked solid as the rain fell more steadily, helping himself to an average-boosting 21 not out. Dampness quotient: 80%
The secret weapon nearly struck in the first over from a top-edged sweep, but struggled more against the presence of a left-hander at the crease throughout the whole innings. Not helped by having to bowl with a wet ball. Also not helped by numpty wicket-keeper throwing him the ball at his feet injuring his spinning finger. Up at number seven to add some beef to the assault on a target of 294, but succumbed for an entertaining but all too brief 8. Dampness quotient: 50%
Exemplary performance in the field which chiefly involved standing at midwicket and watching the ball whiz past or over him for much of the day. Elected not to go the one ‘chance’ that came near him. Early contribution when we batted was to deflect a Tango six onto their clock in front of the pavilion in order to gain revenge for their umpiring decisions. Trackside bookies were offering ‘Evens’ for Stew to be out lbw today, and took a beating as Dingers triggered him for the fifth innings in a row. On tour we won’t even have a book on how he will be out, just which ball he is lbw to. Hit a couple of good boundaries in his innings though, and couldn’t feel the rain as was batting in a helmet. We all thought he decided to stay out in the rain for an extra over to get some more practice in, and next ball he was out. Stew has a clear aversion to weather – last week the sun prompted him to wear sunglasses, this he couldn’t see the ball for raindrops on his specs and he was lbw again. What next? Tornado stopped play? Dampness quotient: 20%
Fourth choice keeper which meant he was the only option today. First go behind the stumps for three years and about fifth try in twenty years, and it showed. The noise of the creaking joints could be heard as far away as Thrupp Field. Took one skier but muffed a stumping for the skipper which ensures he won’t get another go with the gloves for another three years. Good. Umpired and gave Dingers, ‘the benefit of the doubt’ over an lbw shout on zero. Ahem. Listed at ten with a specific brief of batting for 8pm, promoted to nine with the specific task of getting his glasses wet and getting the game called off. Wasn’t even needed. Dampness quotient: 43%
Solid fielding display, mostly in the deep involving rumbling stops. Got promoted to slip for the last eight overs as the skip was busy bowling at one end, but the ball didn’t come near him then. Avoided umpiring adroitly and dropped himself down to 10 instead of 9 when realised it was raining and he would get wet. Dampness quotient: 5%
Exactly a year ago Nev came on at 20 overs with them about 160-1 and picked up four cheap wickets. So we tried the same tactic again. This time his 7 went for 54 and no scalps as this time they hit it on the deck. Did vary his pace well though to limit the damage when they tried to go after him. Volunteered to umpire at the start of our innings in the smart knowledge it was only going to rain harder later on. You just can’t beat experience and know how. Was all set to bat out beyond the 8pm watershed, but also expressed a desire as last man to chase’ 50 off 20 balls’ if he had to. Then he woke up.
Dampness quotient: 19%