YAM’S CRAMPS DON’T STOP HIM LETCHING AT TRAMPS

Castlethorpe v Stoneleigh, 21^st May, SNCL Div 1

	Nice review	Nasty review
Quint	Set the tone by smashing the first ball of the innings for 4. Laid a solid foundation with 21 runs at the top of the order. Told skipper where to put him close in for a catch and took one there immediately. Is he Nostradamus? Manfully headed a ball in the field to save three runs. Knocked down and jumped straight back up again. True Grit.	Sliced the first ball for a boundary then failed to reach it much after that despite a ‘bowling green’ outfield. Hogged the strike from his opening partner. Failed to build on his solid start, spooning one up to a juggler at square leg. Opted to use his head rather than his hands in the field, taking only a glancing blow then milking it for all it was worth. Spawny catch.
Mickey	Starved of strike then gone thanks to a flying catch (again) at first slip. Just about the only one they held all day. Led from the front in the field with several diving stops despite being the team geriatric and safely pouched a couple of catches, one a vital one of their best batter which came down with snow on it.	Wafted at one outside off stump and deservedly caught at slip. Blew his skipper’s trust in him with batting failure. Kept nagging Yam to be his runner but rightly declined every time. Spilled a one-handed catch early on in the gully then took a couple of dollies. Threw in some ‘photo dives’ but all glory and no cigar. Buffoon.
Yam Yam	Despite the short boundaries and outfield batted quite sensibly, notching up a fifty in good style Bravely declined the need of a runner to maintain his momentum. 57 reached including a straight maximum, unluckily caught on the fence trying to up the scoring rate. Little to do in the field other than verbally abuse Tango and repeatedly comment on the what he would like to do to the assembled ‘ladies’ at the nearby wedding.	Opted to bat in a pair of trainers rather than proper cricket spikes which was a big mistake. Sets off for a run and tweaks his hamstring, finely-tuned athlete that he is. Then refuses a runner for the rest of the innings, throwing a dozen or more runs away in the process. Then threw away chance of a really big score with a slog to cow corner. Chump. We can’t repeat the words he used for the family man who was standing at one point behind the bowler’s arm. Did exactly zero in the field. Again.
Dingers	True skipper’s knock to set up a huge total that was always going to be too much for them. Went to first 50 in 34 balls, second in just 23 when the maximums came out of the bag. Mostly batted correctly which was the right way to go in the conditions, with some lovely cover drives. Correctly gave himself a breather and came on first change, putting the fear of death into the batsmen, Keith and slips. Rapid spell gave him 3 wickets as they tried to play him from square leg.	Lost the toss like an eejit. Batted far too sedately – could have made 150 if he hadn’t thrown it away needlessly. Indeed could have made 200 if he’d been remotely bothered. Too tired (bless him) to open the bowling so they amassed a quick start, before press-ganged into bringing himself on. Upset Russ in the process as well. Went for a lot of runs through slips/gully/point and was relieved when their one batsman who was not scared of him was dismissed by Russ instead. Upset their scorer by demanding the match ball as a memento.
Scotty E	Volunteered keenly to umpire first up, even though he was listed to bat at 5. Looked in great shape with the bat, all going along serenely, until unfortunate to be caught behind. Unlucky not to get the nod with the ball, but steady pair of hands to snaffle a couple of catches, including a good one running back over his head.	Umpiring for one wicket is always a dumb idea with our batting line up. Looked set to make a considerable score and eyed an open square boundary on the offside to their pie chucker. Feathers one to a 70-year-old behind the stumps. Pillock. Not rated highly enough with the ball by the skipper to roll his arm over, and lumbered around at square leg for entire innings.
Finno	The scene was set for Keith to unleash the beast for the last dozen or so overs, and he didn’t disappoint with 28 slap-happy runs. Two catches behind the timbers and a tough job with a lively pitch and some more than lively bowling to keep to. Manfully chinned one ball from Dingers to save 3 runs, and should have been on danger money today.	Keith spent too long at the start of his innings playing straight, when we needed a trademark Finson bashing to be going on. Should have made more with donkey bowlers on and a fast outfield but was meekly bowled by a pensioner with one eye. Fanny. Interesting mixture behind the stumps, with a few going past him and resorted to using all parts of his anatomy rather than the gloves to stop Dingers’ bowling.
Tango	Patiently waited his turn with the bat at 7 and could have meted out some severe punishment. Unfortunately got run out when set to do damage. Bowled well at start of their innings with no luck, repeatedly beating the bat. Eventually got one of them to spoon a catch up to Gino, but deserved more reward for his efforts. Full effort in terms of boundary slides.	Wasted a great opportunity to maximise our total by first running out Jonesy, and then himself. Carthorse. Kept bowling too wide of off stump so they were never really going to get near to edging it anyway, and also bowled too short for those edges. Fell over on the boundary a couple of times to accidentally coincide with the ball arriving. Never came close to taking a catch.
Jonesy	Looked like he could hit a few at the end, but run out in a crazed dive that was unfortunately just short of his ground. Made up for disappointment with bowling in the end, although after getting two flying edges through static slips in one over was taken off. Angered, he came back and mopped up three deserved wickets at the end.	More brainless running resulting in a pointless dive for the crease – well short of his ground. Went for a few at the start of their innings and well grumpy about being taken off after four overs. Channelled the anger into a second spell which gained more, although he was bowling at the tail by then. Rabbit hunter.
Gino	Top effort and a strike rate of exactly 100.0 thanks to hitting his first ball over the bowler’s head and setting off for 1. Unfortunately Ross decided to set off for 2 so he was struggling to get back, all when he was set to provide some proper carnage. Fielded smartly and snagged a second catch of the season to give Tango his wicket.	Slaps one in the air and thinks that one run is enough, done my job, thanks very much, I’m off the mark. Didn’t watch or hear his partner call him for a sharp second and run out by half the pitch. Dummy. Occasionally started an over in the wrong place, and amazed himself with second catch of the season. And yes that was another comet whizzing by. Two fruitless, pointless overs with the ball.
Rosco	Not much time to contribute with the bat as stranded down at number 10. His good eye for a second run was spoilt by slowness of the man above him in the order. Floated up some lovely spinners that teased the batsmen, and brought about the deserved reward of a dobbed up catch behind.	Just kept running and running when Gino got off the mark first ball, without thinking about who his batting partner was or where the ball had gone. Lucky not to run out Mickey Mystery too. Bowled four overs of pies and got smashed for a six. Debate around whether a legitimate nickname could ‘Roscoe P Coltrane’? One for the Dukes of Hazzard fans there. Those mentioning a DJ called ‘Emperor Rosco’ attracted bemusement from anyone aged under 45.
Mystery	Once more given the short straw of number 11 so took on the scoring mantle for majority of the innings which was fine by everybody else. Mashed a couple of runs with the bat, and stayed unbeaten, making us wonder what might have been. Four nifty overs and two useful wickets against their middle order, one of them completely deceived by a straight one. Underused.	Their scorebook was replete with colour-coded annotations and counting of every ball. Mickey’s just looked like a scrawl. Made only one of his famed ‘scorer’s notes’ in the book as well (about Yam getting cramp). Missed out on the last two balls of our innings, selfishly playing for his average and 2 not out. Four overs of dross went for a few despite the couple of lucky wickets. Had promised Dingers he would do extra match chores today ahead of Champions League final next week, but didn’t raise a finger.