EDDIE TATE

Excellent tour record to date but anything can happen away from home. Prefers to play camp games with men who huddle and wear lots of pads and helmets these days rather than a man’s game like cricket.

Nickname:                                                Taters 2, Hut-Hut

Family links to cricket:                              None

Career highlight:                                      Too many to mention, but since you ask …

Best performance:                                    Too many hundreds to count

Worst performance:                                   Never had one

Tour highlight:                                          Making 99 in Sussex. Bradley writing rude things about me on tour bus doors.

Batting style:                                             Hit it, block it, hit it etc.

Bowling style:                                           Tries to look like Ashley Giles in the shades, but they are still pies

Fave band:                                               Tate That                                

Fave sugar:                                              Tate & Lyle

Cricketing heroes:                                    Nobody in my family

Education:                                               Currently studying for a Masters in designing roundabouts and shopping centres

Occupation:                                             Recently a student tax-sucking scrounger, now impersonating immigrant labourers

Likes:                                                       Sticking my hands between a large man’s thighs from the back and shouting ‘Hut’

Dislikes:                                                   Bench warming 

Hobbies:                                                 Talking about my latest greatest innings

Often mistaken for:                                 Jessie Taylor (using my ID)

Superstitions:                                          Hold the pose when you play a good shot

Body shape:                                            Lanky

Fielding position:                                    Anywhere I can luzz it in from miles away at Dommy’s head

Shots in locker:                                       Sixes

Career path:                                            Roundabout and traffic light layout designer, then run Dad’s business into the ground

Opinions on cricket:                                Stop blocking you boring bastards